銀狐

本文摘譯自紐約時報Maureen Dowd專欄
(註：雖然這篇文是針對女生而發，但我個人認為有很多也能讓男生參考；中不中肯
就看各人解讀了...）

名人離婚是美國人最愛的消遣之一，最近的美國鬧離婚的名人包括布蘭妮以及a-rod。

布蘭妮在法院陳述他先生一個月花三千美金上網看色情影片時說：”我根本就不知道
那個跟我住在一起的男人倒底是誰 "。
那要怎麼樣才能避免結錯婚呢?


79歲的孔納(Connor)神父，致力於婚姻諮詢數十年。他曾在印度傳道九年，並思考夫妻
相處之道。這篇文章便是簡述他給準備結婚的女孩的建議："如何避免嫁給不會讓你幸福
的人。"

”好萊塢讓妳覺得嫁給妳深愛的人就是婚姻幸福之道；其實不見得，妳愛的人不見得能
帶給妳幸福的婚姻。”他說。

他四十年來都在對高中生演說同一個主題：”不能和那一種人結婚”。大部分會來聽的
都是女生，因為她們對這個主題非常有興趣。

他說：”在她們陷入熱戀前講這些才有用，否則就太晚了；熱戀中的人沒有判斷力的。”

”絕對不要嫁給沒有朋友的人，沒有朋友的人表示他沒辦法處理婚姻中所必要的親密
關係。我諮詢的案子裡，有非常多的男人是沒有朋友的。舊約中提到：鐵和鐵之間彼
此鍛造成型，朋友也是一樣。他的朋友是什麼樣子的人？他的家人和朋友認為他是什麼
樣子的人？有時候要小心妳的朋友的意見，他們可能嫉妒妳比她們先結婚，所以給的
意見不見得中肯。”

”他用錢的態度如何？有責任心嗎？他會不會很小氣？很多婚姻失敗都是因為錢：她很
節省，結果他卻已經申請了十張信用卡。


言L會不會太依賴母親呢？他要做決策時是不是都會先問媽媽？會不會連去那裡渡蜜月
都還會先問媽媽再說？”

”他有沒有幽默感？”

”沈默對婚姻的傷害比暴力來的更嚴重，不愛說話的人可能很吸引人，但是最終妳會
發現那對維持婚姻關係沒什麼建設性。”

”不要嫁給問題人物，不要以為妳能改變他，更不要以為婚姻就能讓他定下來，結婚
後變本加厲的人反而更多。”

”用客觀的角度看看他的家庭，你會更瞭解他對女人的態度。他的家庭裡是不是有很多
成員有離過婚？他的家人會不會讓妳感受到種族歧視，性歧視等等的態度？他對人生的
目標以及價值觀和妳相近嗎？”

”最後，他的個性如何？是不是個好人？他是否容易原諒別人，讚美他人，是不是個有
禮貌的人？還是他習慣撒小謊，易怒，控制慾很強，會嫉妒妳的成功，會對妳隱瞞事
情？”

”每次我演講完之後，我的聽眾幾乎都是絕望的對我說：”你己經把每個人都刪掉了好不好！”
他說：”人生就是這麼不公平囉"

本文轉自紐約時報
以下為原文

This weekend, we celebrate our great American pastime: messy celebrity divorces.

There’s the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fireworks on Long Island and the Madonna/Guy Ritchie/A-Rod Roman candle in New York.

So how do you avoid a relationship where you end up saying, “The man who I was living with, I just didn’t know who he was” — as Brinkley did in court when talking about her husband’s $3,000-a-month Internet porn and swinger site habit? (Not to mention the 18-year-old mistress/assistant.)

Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., has spent his celibate life — including nine years as a missionary in India — mulling connubial bliss. His decades of marriage counseling led him to distill some “mostly common sense” advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness.

“Hollywood says you can be deeply in love with someone and then your marriage will work,” the twinkly eyed, white-haired priest says. “But you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.”

For 40 years, he has been giving a lecture — “Whom Not to Marry” — to high school seniors, mostly girls because they’re more interested.

“It’s important to do it before they fall seriously in love, because then it will be too late,” he explains. “Infatuation trumps judgment.”

I asked him to summarize his talk:

“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.

“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.

“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.

“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)

“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.

“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’

“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.

“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.

“Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.

“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?

“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”

銀狐︰男生可以看看﹐女生也可以看看。但是我最看重的是那一句︰"Life is unfair!!!"